After the Fights
by UnicornRobot
Summary: Nicole was saved from the Widows but the struggle isn't over. After finally waking up, she and Waverly have to figure out where they're going and if it's together. Post 209. I have feelings.


Nicole's normally porcelain skin is a sickly gray as her head lays lifeless on the hospital cot. When they gang brought her in the damage was listed off like a twisted shopping list: two fractured ribs, multiple contusions, a concussion, PTSD not unlikely...

Waverly needs to go back to the BBD, but she can't tear herself away.

It's been two - no three - days since Wynonna pulled Nicole from the clutches of the Widows.

A deep and angry cut runs along the fine bone structure of her neck. Bits of flesh still peel upwards. The scabbing is an unhealthy yellow and brown.

It makes Waverly want to vomit. A lot of things make Waverly sick right now actually.

When she walked in on that bitch attacking Nicole, silver claws against the deputy's fearful face, Waverly thought she could protect her. The possibility that she could fail wasn't even an option. When you love someone so much it can't be an option, right? How could you fail them? How could you watch them be hurt and not gather up just the right amount of strength to save them?

The world had other plans though.

Waverly was flung aside like a useless doll and before the Widow vanished with her girl, she saw the terror in Nicole's eyes, the pleading voice. Did Nicole yell for her or tell her to run? She can't remember, but something small and sad in her thinks it was probably the latter. Even after all she had said to Nicole, she was still wanting to save Waverly when faced with such darkness. It was maybe the most beautiful and heartbreaking thing Waverly had ever seen.

Wynonna rescued Nicole a day after the kidnapping, helpless and brutalized. She found the red-head tied up next to Nedley's limp body.

He was dead. Nicole said she wished she was instead. Even Dolls looked like he wanted to cry.

Nicole kept sobbing, yelling at Wynonna to check on him and although the older Earp might have previously been a little lukewarm when it came to her baby sister's girlfriend, she held Nicole and told her he was gone. She ran a hand through the broken woman's hair and murmured that it wasn't her fault - because if Wynonna Earp knows one thing it's the desperation of not being able to save your father (figure).

It took both Wynonna and Dolls to drag Nicole away from his body.

Waverly didn't know they were so close. "Well, she saw him tortured and killed Waves..." Wynonna pointed out.

Waverly realized that she didn't know as much about Nicole as she thought - like that in the three days she's been in the hospital, mostly sedated, no one else has visited. This didn't hit Waverly until she was looking at the flowers she brought the second day. Aren't hospitals supposed to be filled with flowers for a good person? And damn it, Nicole is a _good person_. She deserves a garden filling this sterile room...

But no one else came. Sure, there were the visits by Dolls and Doc and even Wynonna. But they're obligatory, like they're only visiting because she's Waverly's girlfriend. Not because she's Nicole, sweet, strong Nicole.

Maybe it's not right to displace her grief, but Waverly does. She snaps at them for asking how she's doing, instead of asking about Nicole. She says Nicole didn't deserve this (like any of them did...). She yells and cries and eventually, Wynonna get's it through her brain that this isn't anger. It's heartbreak.

The next day there's another set of flowers in the room.

* * *

Having rushed through the meeting with the BBD, Waverly is heading to the room when a nurse walking by congratulations her. Her perplexing expression must be obvious because the woman quickly explains that deputy Haught is fully awake.

Waverly doesn't respond; she runs to the room, her heart in her throat.

When she rounds the corner into Nicole's room she sees the red-head is propped up and glassy-eyed.

An irreverent "baby" leaves Waverly's lips and she closes the distance, wrapping her arms around the other woman. Nicole hesitates before placing a clammy hand on Waverly's arm, half-heartedly returning the hug.

"I don't - I don't remember..." the thought trails off as Nicole stares straight ahead, unfocused.

Waverly pulls back to soothingly run a hand over Nicole's hair.

"Shhh, baby. Don't think about that now..." A gentle kiss is placed against a pale forehead. "How are you feeling? Do you need some water?"

Nicole keeps searching for memories but is pulled away by the caress of Waverly's hand on her cheek. She stutters out a "yes please," finally bringing her eyes to the brunette. Out of all the emotions she feels now finally seeing Waverly, her face can only express one and Waverly feels her heartbreak at the lost look in Nicole's eyes. She cups both cheeks and brings her lips to Nicole's forehead, holding on a little longer than she meant too. Tears have already formed in her eyes and she presses her lips against Nicole's forehead a little more concretely to chase away the budding emotions.

"Okay," she finally breathes out, "let's get you some water."

When she returns, Waverly notices that Nicole is back to searching her head for memories, for the missing pieces she can't quite see yet. Waverly desperately doesn't want her to remember anything, not now, but it seems like Nicole is a step ahead.

"He's dead..." Her voice is void of emotions. The words fall out of her mouth with a hollow thud.

In an instant, Waverly is walking over and reaching for Nicole's hand.

"Hey, _hey_ ," she gently guides the red-head's face towards hers. "Listen to me. It wasn't your fault. None of it."

The look that overtakes Nicole's face is crushing.

"They chose him, Waverly. How is it not my fault?" Nicole ducks her head out of Waverly's grasp. Her eyes clench shut. "If I wouldn't have fought them so hard, maybe he'd of had more time -"

The hand on her face is urgent, pulling her to look up into green eyes. Waverly has never looked more insistent, more determined.

"Don't you ever apologize for fighting," and now she's shaking her head against the tears. "Don't you _dare_ , Nicole."

Nicole can't help it. Her eyes clench tight and she starts crying. It feels so goddamn weak, but after this past week - the fights with Waverly, the kidnapping, the torture... everything - she's tired of being strong. These 20 minutes she's been up have probably been the worst in her life. Guilt, anger, and disappointment are all swarming around her heart.

Giving in, she falls forward into waiting arms. Waverly wraps her up as tightly as she can without causing any more damage.

She's not even aware of what she's whispering into Nicole's hair but she hopes it's comforting.

"I didn't think you'd be here." The words are choked out against Waverly's chest and the brunette almost feels her heart crack right there.

"Why... why would you think that? Of course I'd be here Nicole."

Waverly holds Nicole at arm's length, trying to convey her sincerity.

Almost ashamed, Nicole looks away.

"You were so _mad_..."

The text. Waverly bites the inside of her cheek, closing her eyes for a moment.

"That text was thoughtless and cruel."

"You were right, Waves... I was controlling and -"

"Nicole you made a mistake," Waverly voice cracks. She feels sick again. "I forgive you. Okay? That isn't worth losing you over, losing this over." She motions in between them.

Caustionly Nicole meets her eyes.

"I'll be better..."

Another look of irreverence passes over the brunettes face, " _baby_..."

She leans forward and tenderly kisses Nicoles, mindful of the woman's bruises and breaks.

When they pull apart, Waverly takes a deep breath and glances at her hands for a moment. She forces herself to meet Nicole's eyes.

"I messed up too..." The words come out so quietly that if they weren't so close Nicole would have missed them.

Her brow furrows and she just asks a confused "what?"

Another deep breath and then Waverly says it. She tells her about the kiss before immediately jumping into the explanation, emphasizing the regret and meaninglessness of her actions.

A humorless laugh falls from Nicole's mouth and falls back against the upright hospital bed.

Waverly tries saying her name, but Nicole just keeps shaking her head.

"I thought... I thought you were here for me."

Desperately Waverly insists that she was - that she is.

"Did you just want to get your guilt off your chest?"

"What? No! Nicole, it was nothing!"

"Then why did you do it!" The strength it takes to yell causes something to tear, but Nicole doesn't do more than grimace.

"I wanted to hurt you, okay? I was so mad and -"

"Well, congratulations. You did..."

"Nicole..."

The room fills with a heavy silence. Nicole can't look at her. Tears build in her eyes as she keeps her head turned from the woman in front of her.

Waverly reaches out to grab her hand and she yanks them away, but the youngest Earp doesn't stop.

"Waverly!" It comes out as a growl, but Waverly physically shakes it off and reaches for her hand again.

"No... _No_ Nicole. I'm not leaving. I'm not letting go."

"I want you to!"

"No, you don't!" Waverly's words come out through tears, but she sticks to her guns. Hope has always been a leading cause in her life. She won't turn her back on it again.

"How - How do you know that, huh?" The words are meant to be biting, but Nicole has fought so much lately and her resolve is breaking.

"Because you love me," Nicole looks up at Waverly cautiously. The last time the younger girl brought this up it was used as a weapon and Nicole doesn't want to be so naive to believe it won't be again.

With a deep breath and a sad smile, Waverly finishes, "and I love you too." A soft hand caresses her face. "So no, Nicole. I'm not going anywhere."

Anger has always bubbled below her surface. She's spent so much time pushing her damaged life into the corners of her mind. Nicole isn't willing to do that again. If she can't forgive Waverly then she needs to back out now... If this is something that she can't move past, then it will eat away at them both...

Waverly is fixing her with a pleading look, but Nicole delves back into her thoughts. She has to be sure.

The admission hurts, but Nicole thinks of something else than her girlfriend heartbroken and drunk in a hot tub. She thinks of Waverly kissing her for the first time. She thinks of Waverly pleading for Wynonna to give Willa the gun. She thinks of the first time she touched Waverly, the girl trembling beneath her.

Nicole nods her head in those subtle motions she makes when she's processing something and then she lets it fall forward gently against Waverly's.

"Okay."

Waverly repeats it breathlessly, relieved to feel Nicole against her.

They lean against each other like that, just slowly taking in the contact that they've missed these past days before a snort escapes Nicole's mouth.

"We really fucked up."

Waverly shouldn't laugh but she does, nuzzling further against her girl.

"But now we get to make up."

Eyes closed, Nicole smiles.

It's not like her heartbreak is fixed, that she isn't still reeling over Nedley's death... But something is right and she'll take that.


End file.
